Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
