I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
