he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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