i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
