dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
