i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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