if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
