speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
