The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
