It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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