highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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