he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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