Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
