First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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