I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So much Jack, so little girl.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
