Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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