I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
