I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
