I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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