I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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