I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
