Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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