Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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