When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
