Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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