I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
