first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
