Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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