One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
