i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
even my farts smell like vagina
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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