Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
