I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
