Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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