The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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