She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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