I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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