I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
home. puking in laundry basket.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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