if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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