I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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