Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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