who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
