OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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