I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
