God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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