Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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