help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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