dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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