I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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