Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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