Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
