Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize