She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
