I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
