Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
