My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
