I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
