I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
