he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
