I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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