I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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