Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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